Nine Steps to Take to Prevent Unwanted Pelvic Exams

If you find yourself being pressured into an unwanted pelvic exam while at your Doctor’s, here are some steps you can take to prevent this from happening again:

1.  At least three weeks prior to seeing your Doctor, do not bathe the lower half of your body.

2.  Don’t do any other personal grooming either.  Let things grow in, out, and all about.

3.  Eat beans, cabbage and broccoli a few hours before your Doctor’s visit.

4.  Remove the paper sheet your Doctor drapes over your legs.  This way you will be able     to keep an eye on your Doctor.

5.  Prop your head up with your clothing or purse.  This will make it easier to see what your Doctor is doing.

6.  Ask if you can take your Doctor’s picture midway through the exam.

7.  Start laughing at some point after the speculum has been inserted (if your doctor is able to get to this stage).  Do not explain why you are laughing.

8.  If you have followed step 2 above, you might be able to embed objects into your pubic hair.  Dust bunnies and plastic toy spiders for example.

9.  Pour a tablespoon of lubricant into a fresh condom, crumple it up, and insert it inside your vagina just prior to your visit.

If you follow all nine of the above steps, you might not face the same pressure to have a pelvic exam the next time you see your doctor.  You probably wouldn’t get kicked out of the stirrups for eating crackers, but you might get ousted if you follow these steps.  Have fun!


    • Thanks for your comment wellcallmecrazy, much appreciated. Of course I would not agree to an unwanted pelvic exam to begin with, but it would be one way to go about preventing getting pushed aggressively into it 🙂

  1. Either don’t bathe or douse yourself in cheap perfume…preferably with a really catchy name such as “5 Nights Under the Wharf,” “Eau de Wet Dog,” or “Moonlight Dumpster.” Oh, and dirty undies! AND, just before your exam, do some heavy yard work or wrestle with the dog!

    Hey, doc…are your nostril hairs melted yet?

  2. I read online about an American woman who wears her gym shoes with no socks the day she sees her doctor. Once removed at her afternoon appointment,THAT odour appears, he’s never asked her about pap tests or anything else, she gets her script for the Pill and is out the door. Not a bad strategy, make yourself as unattractive as possible.

  3. Thank you for making me laugh with this post. I was having more drastic and desperate visions of telling the doctor I had explosive diarrhoea that morning, I bet that would put a halt on things.


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